I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
There’s only one good girl here!
💯😂
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT