Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.