Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.