Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue