I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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My love language is hissing.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
no their not
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra