I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
This sounds bad:
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing