Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive