Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

My ideal weight is five million dollars

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.