Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”