I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
こいつ天才
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look