When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
doing some research
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.