Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

My teenage children choosing violence

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

Suuuuure