I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.