I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?