Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.