Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face