I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
i was dropped as an adult
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside