Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Well, this is awkward

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

My dream car is a taco truck.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.