Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal