Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

This billboard speaks to me

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

The Sun

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

#Caturday

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

in the ocean

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.