I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
finally found a reasonable question
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.