Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.