Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

got so much cardio in today

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.