I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
You Might Also Like
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Pickled cat.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale