The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.