when nothing goes right… go left
I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”