I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Hot Hot Hot
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap