Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

This trial is so absurd 😭

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

Me, reading some of your tweets

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.