Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Aight bet

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.