I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
☠️☠️☠️
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
(True)
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”