I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
You Might Also Like
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys