Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”