Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone