I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…