I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice