I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.