I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You Might Also Like
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else