Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Trying

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.