Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The smoothest fall of all time
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on