ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: How was school today?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive