I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.

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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?


u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home


If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.


A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.


Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive