I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
You Might Also Like
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine