I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
A choir of Spring onions
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.