Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all