I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.