Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

I Can’t Tonight…

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*