I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.