I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo