Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

“That’s what” – She

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.