I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.