I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
my sentiments exactly
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them