I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
This is hilarious….
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
3% human
97% stress
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.