I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
