I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”