I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You Might Also Like
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Optional boss fight.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
This hospital has everything
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive