I told my 6yo that if you’re the last person to leave a room, then it’s your responsibility to turn the lights off. That was when he decided that he would never be the last person to leave a room ever again.
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It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
🤣
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.