I told my 6yo that if you’re the last person to leave a room, then it’s your responsibility to turn the lights off. That was when he decided that he would never be the last person to leave a room ever again.
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
October already? What’s next? November????
You’ll be OK
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
