Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.