I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm