I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
True statement👍😏😁
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.