I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Help Wanted
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Midwest trash talk
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
!!!!!!!!!!!
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.