I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.