I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
You Might Also Like
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Erm…
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.