I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The booster protects against what, now?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi