Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worst…sale…ever

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

He took my last fry, your honor

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.