I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!