I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.