Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

😂💯

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*