I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You Might Also Like
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I’m not wrong
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*