Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’