I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real