Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8