I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators