I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.