Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

All set.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store