Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US