I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
sir, my pâté if you please
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds