I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
You Might Also Like
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.