Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

They did not miss in the small print