Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I have a type: disappointing

SONOFA

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters