Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive