Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it