Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Gods work.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.