I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa