I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

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One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.


i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box


I have eaten
a roll
of toilet

and cut open
all of
my kitchen

forgive me
I really thought
they were


Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.


Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.


Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce


Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are


No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.