I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.


Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning


you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker


Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me

Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*

Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily


911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.


if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?


Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.


*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*