I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You Might Also Like
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake