I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Pro tip for my good boys out there
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.